30 0ctober
Last night I got a flat tyre on a dark, deserted road. I was giving a young girl a lift home after youth group and she lived really far out. I had taken a guy with me just in case and just as well because I have no idea what I would have done without him! So after we'd dropped her off on the way back onto the main road, we got a puncture! It was dark all around and there was not a soul in sight! After about 2 hours of trial and error, we finally got it sorted! It was an experience that the Lord used to show me that I do indeed need other people. “No man is an island.” I don’t like having to “need” other people but it’s humbling to be in a position of need.
29 October
God, I feel so disappointed and You know why. You warned me and I listened for a while but then I let my guard down again. This is what I needed though but God I need You and You alone right now. Please strengthen my weary heart.
Why do I have this sudden desire to go to Mauritius this December? God if it’s Your will, please provide.
27 October
Pastor Richard came to our home cell group this evening and he shared some of evolution, no compromise and values. Living in a culture and society that is losing/has lost values, he feels passionately about instilling values in people. He’s so conservative and I love it. I feel safe knowing that the Shepherd of the sheep is not compromising. There’s so much humanism and liberalism in the church today and we have moved away from the model of the church that was given to us.
25 October
Today we officially took Lisa in. My heart for her is growing and the Lord is teaching me so much through her. I went to pick her up again today but this time it was different. I wanted to pick her up. I wanted to bring her “home” and learn to love on her. She’s the first child that I’ve had trouble loving and because of that I know God is teaching me something. God I want Your heartbeat for this child.
“...now you will see what I will do...” Exodus 6:1
24 October
Sunday School today went well. I was a little nervous about it but Holy Spirit came through and touched the children’s lives. I love those children so much. I love how they look up to me but I also realise what a great responsibility that carries too. May my life be a living epistle to them of what it means to be a disciple of Jesus.
The memory verse for today was Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” The lesson was inspired by what Jesus did in my own heart on Friday night. I love how God takes me through something during the week so I have something fresh and real to bring to the children on Sunday morning.
23 October
I met with a young lady for lunch. I say young but she’s actually older than me! Ha. We went to the Boma at Hillside Dams and it was delightful. She’s a very liberal Christian – i.e. I do what I do and church and God fulfils my religious need and helps me not to feel guilty. She’s very driven, she has a very good job and she’s travelled a lot and accomplished much. Our conversations were very interesting because I’m quite conservative while she’s quite liberal. It was a reminder that we’re all at different places in our walks with the Lord and it’s important to discern where people are at.
The ladies fellowship was so good. We have it out in the beautiful garden of one of the ladies in the church. We had a sister from Mauritius sharing with us on pure and undefiled religion. It was good. We also got the first rain of the season during the altar call which was the icing on the cake.
I spoke to Nompu about being my mentor and she was delighted. I’m excited to learn from her and be accountable to someone. There seem to be many Timothy’s in my life but now the Lord has given me a Paul. Thank You Jesus.
22 October
This evening, I got born again AGAIN. [If that’s even possible]. Pastor Richard encouraged us to cry out to the Lord for our lives. He encouraged us to repent of our sins like never before. I realised that even though I had been walking with the Lord for a number of years, there were some times when I was compromising and living in sin and when I recommitted my life to the Lord, I didn’t really repent of all that I’d done. So I recounted and repented of all that I could remember that I had done against God. And I felt such a freedom and release. So, even though I was born again when I was 9 and committed my life to the Lord several times throughout my teenage years, tonight I was broken over my sin and I truly repented. Abba, may this brokenness never leave my heart. Tonight You have changed my life for eternity. Thank You God for Your grace in my life.
21 October
Today was a day and a half! Ever have those days where so much happens, it’s like your heart has taken a journey across the world? Here’s a run down of my day:
In staff devotions we’re going through a Jabez Journal devotional and today we shared about a time we’d felt like a nobody. Obviously that had just happened to me a few days back but I chose not to share that instance but rather one where I was talking to an old friend from school and she had done so much and studied so much since leaving school that I felt like I’d done next to nothing. As I recounted this, I began to cry. And I continued to cry throughout the rest of devotions that morning.
Later that day, I was asked to go and pick up a child (Lisa) who was suffering from TB and bring her to the office. My first reaction was to say no. Then one of my colleagues said to me, “Buhe, what would Jesus do?” And as much as I still didn’t want to do it, I went to pick her up. The whole drive to pick her up and bring her back, all I could think about was, “What would Jesus do?” She coughed and spluttered the whole way. She had started TB treatment so she wasn’t contagious anymore but I still winced every time she coughed. When we got back to the office, Debbie said to me, “Did you just cry when you saw her and how sick she is?” No. I didn’t cry for her.
I cried in the morning when I remembered a time that my heart broke because I felt like a nobody. But here was a little girl who had no parents, was suffering from TB, Kwashiorkor and HIV and a lung condition and I couldn’t even be broken over her condition. Instead I was so concerned about my own safety around her. Instead of giving her a cuddle, I restrained. She was unclean, untouchable and unlovable in the natural but yet with the eyes of Jesus, she was so precious. I asked Jesus to help me to love the unlovable and touch the untouchable. Jesus was not afraid around lepers, He touched them, He ate with them and He healed them. In my heart I am so far from where I want to be. So far. But by God’s grace I know He will work in my heart to grow in this area.
20 October
A colleague and I went to a school today to ask them to fundraise for our “One in a Million” project. The headmaster of the school completely ignored me the whole meeting and chose to direct all questions and answers to my colleague, who happened to be of the same race as the headmaster. Can anyone make you feel like a nobody? Or is it my choice to feel that way? It is my choice but other people can significantly contribute to making me feel that way. I had to take comfort in remembering that I am not a nobody to Jesus. He knows my name and He’s interested in me.
I went for home visits yesterday evening and I didn’t actually visit anyone! All 3 that my partner and I had were either not home or the address didn’t exist! But we had a good time of fellowship and all the other home visits went well, praise God!
There’s a deep place in my heart; the cushion of the sea of my heart where God’s peace dwells. That’s the place where no matter what else is going on around me, when I’m in His presence, His peace reigns.
19 October
I had some horribly vivid dreams last night. It reminded of a line in one of my favourite songs, “Thou art my best thought by day or by night.” I read the next chapter in Exodus before I went to sleep last night but still had the craziest dreams. God, the more I fill my mind with thoughts of You, the more my dreams will be in line with You. God please erase the memory of those dreams because they were just nasty. And I won’t recount them in my journal because I don’t want to remember them. [Praise God, as I type this I have absolutely no memory of them].
Thank You for Your Word this morning. The same way the Ark of the Covenant went before them in Numbers, Your Hand clears the way before me. “Wherever God’s finger points, His hand will clear the way.”
18 October
Abraham’s promise of a son was delayed; his promise was delayed not deleted. God still fulfilled it but He tested Abraham’s heart with the delay. What delays are You testing my heart with today Lord? “Delayed doesn’t mean deleted.”
“Wait on the LORD, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD!” Psalm 27:14
17 October
“Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.” John 12:24. God You’re teaching me to die to my ambitions, my hopes and my dreams.
And I heard this quote today from William Burton. He wrote this on his death bed. “No reserve, no retreat, no regrets.” I want to be able to say that at the end of my life but first I must die, die, die.
16 October
I met for coffee with a young girl this morning. I love being able to pour into young girls’ lives. I have such a heart for young girls. I know I keep saying that but the more I say it, the more my passion increases. Holy Spirit helped me to speak into this girl’s life and encourage her in the Lord. I felt so in my niche sharing my heart with heart. God please continue to nurture this passion and desire and build it up in You. Equip me Holy Spirit.
“But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.” Galatians 6:14
15 October
Lunch with Iliya today was wonderful. I love sharing Jesus over a meal! It’s like my two favourite things – Jesus and food!
At youth group today we had group discussions on “compromise.” I realised how many young girls are compromising their purity. I have such a passion for young girls to maintain their purity and not be ashamed to pursue righteousness in an age where society says “rubbish” to righteousness. I spoke to 2 young girls in particular and they are so lost in compromise. They’ve drawn the line at pre-marital sex but will do anything as close to line as possible. Having been there and done that during my last year in high school I don’t want other girls to waste their lives in that way. And I’m almost through reading “Lady in Waiting” and it’s all tied in so perfectly. Everything in the book is what I want to communicate to young girls. Maybe I should start a young girls Bible study? God if that’s Your will please make it happen. I commit it You. And help me to be an example to the young girls of “a Lady of purity, a lady of boundaries, a lady of diligence, a lady of reckless abandonment, a lady of faith, a lady of security, a lady of contentment, a lady of integrity, a lady of patience, a lady of conviction, a lady of virtue, a lady of devotion.”
14 October
I got my hands on a wonderful book, “Lady in Waiting.” And this morning I gave more time than usual to listen and hear what God was saying to me. “Buhe, be careful not to idolise ministry, work or missions. You’re doing a lot of good things but don’t idolise them for I am a jealous God.” And then he also spoke clearly to my heart about a young man I was settling for in my heart, “Buhe __ is not the man I have for you. So please don’t set your sights on him. Take captive of your thoughts. I have someone so wonderful for you. Just wait... patiently.”
I love it when I take the time to hear what God is saying to me and He speaks so clearly. Both were becoming idols in my life and today I take down those idols in my heart. I’m tearing them down and burning them. God I give you the throne of my heart again. Please take Your place in my heart.
13 October
God, I love it when You answer my prayers even before I’ve had a chance to verbalise it to You! I was feeling overwhelmed with trying to fill 2 different roles at work. I’m sorry I didn’t tell You sooner. Thank You for once again undertaking for me! I look forward to being Debbie’s PA too. Please help me to be the best PA she’s ever had. And I know that’ll take sacrifice, dying to myself and patience but I’m willing to learn. Holy Spirit, please thoroughly equip me with everything I need to fulfil these two roles.
I interceded for my sister. I love you so much Liso, and I am storming the gates of heaven for you.
12 October
Lord thank you for making hearts receptive to what You were saying. It wasn’t easy to write especially because I know I’m not the best example but thank You for what You did. You undertook for me and You prepared the heart of each who read it.
11 October
I watched “Alive” by Louis Giglio. If you have not seen this DVD I strongly encourage you to see it. I was blown away by the “Indescribable” Series but this one blew my mind all over again. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by a Wonderful Creator.
I also got to video chat with a wonderful lady who is very close to my heart indeed. I’m so privileged to have Betty as a friend and sister. The way God knits and has knitted our hearts together is just amazing. She edifies me, encourages me in the Word, rebukes me, comforts me, makes me laugh, gives me godly wisdom and counsel, challenges me, spurs me on to love and good works and is such an example to me of what it means to follow Jesus daily. I have learnt so much from you dear friend and I look forward to learning so much more. I love you!
10 October
I had a skype date with one of my roommates from Bible College. It was so good to see hear face and hear her voice but above all it was so good to still see and hear Jesus in her. The percentages of Bible College students who fall away after Bible College are shocking to say the least. So I’m always really happy when I see that a sister or a brother is still on the path of grace. God, thank You for your grace in keeping us both close to You.
7 October
I spent the afternoon writing out what the Lord put on my heart for our organisation while I was on the mountain top. Writing it out also made it so much clearer in my own heart. So I encourage you, that if the Lord has put something on your heart or given you a vision, write it out because it will help solidify it and clarify it in your own heart.
5 October
Back to work today. I was so tired but so excited to share all that God did at the conference! I got my car back from my friend (I’d left it with her while I was in Cape Town) and they had to break the driver’s door handle in order to get into the car after she locked all the doors. So now the only door that locks, opens and has a functioning handle is the front passenger door! Lol. Key services said they’d need to take it in for a whole weekend to fix it – ummm let’s see... I don’t have a free weekend until December!!!! Aargh. Lord You know, and You are in perfect control. I rest in your unfailing love and your ability and willingness to undertake for me.
4 October
I travelled for 14 hours from Johannesburg to Bulawayo. I threw my integrity away, in a way I never thought I would have, at a moment’s notice. God please forgive me. I had such a resolve in my heart not to comprise my integrity in anyway. Why didn’t I trust you to undertake for me? Why did I take matters into my own hands? Aargh. I want to trust You more Lord.
3 October
I was hoping to go to Calvary Chapel Johannesburg today but it didn’t work out. I spent the early morning shopping and then Michelle and I spontaneously went paintballing with a group of about 25 other people. We had great time and got a few bruises as souvenirs! The place we went to also prepared a spit braai (barbeque) for us and it was so tasty!
2 October
After 25 hours on the road, we finally arrived in Johannesburg. The immature lady drove me crazy the whole way. I told her off a couple of times but completely in the flesh. I allowed her to get under my skin. What a waste of my emotions and energy and time. I probably would have had a much better 25 hours if I hadn’t been so irate. I’m so weak when it comes to being critical of other people. God please help me.
Michelle and I had a lovely home cooked meal and enjoyed some very sweet fellowship!
1 October
We spent most of today travelling back to Johannesburg from Cape Town. What an awesome time it’s been with fellow Christian workers in this beautiful location. God has deposited so much in my heart and I pray that I wouldn’t lose the fire that He has ignited in my heart.
How does one deal with immaturity in an older Christian woman? I’ve never had to deal with anything quite like it but seeing a 40 year old woman act like a 4 year old is not pretty. It reminds me of something that the Lord clearly spoke to my heart during my last semester in York. He put this verse so heavy on my heart, “I put away childish things...” That’s speaking of maturity. But interestingly Paul doesn’t say, “Childish things just disappeared as I grew older.” He had to “put” them away. And at that time I realised so many neglected pockets of immaturity in my life. And sometimes we think that just because we are growing in the Lord we will naturally mature too But it’s not just going to happen that way. There are things each of us needs to put away so we can mature in the Spirit and in the natural. And I’m not saying I’m there at all but this is something that God has revealed to me.
