It’s been so long since I last wrote an entry. Life is really busy for me right now but it’s been a year now that I’ve been in Zimbabwe and I saw it fit to blog my sincere gratitude to the Lord for all He has done in and through me over the past 12 months.
When I first joined the church here my heart was somewhat hardened to my own sin. I thought I was in a great place with the Lord. I mean, He was leading me & guiding me and we were having great times together. I spent much time studying the Word daily, praying, journaling, enjoying His presence etc. All in all I thought I had a pretty good relationship with the Lord. But what I didn’t realise was that I had completely laced over all my sin and pretended it wasn’t there. I would build up attitudes towards people or I would think terrible things about other people or I would lie and I would be convicted about it being wrong but somewhere I didn’t realise that the more these things built up in my heart, the further I pushed myself away from the Lord.
I got born again AGAIN on October 22 2010. I saw the state of my heart and the sin I had so easily become entangled in and the Lord brought me to my knees in repentance. I was broken over my sin and I saw the depth of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross for my sin. Because of what He did on the cross to take all my sin and shame, conviction came to my heart. Christ died for me! He died that I might be free from all these things. He died so that I could have victory over bad attitudes, jealousy, contention, deceit etc. Refusing to be free from these things when I am in Christ, is like spitting in His face as He hangs on the cross dying for me. And as I was on my knees in my room that night, I felt a freedom to serve the Lord that I had never felt before. I felt free to be myself because for once in my life I felt like me was free! I wept and cried out to the Lord for my life. I repented for everything He dropped into my heart. It was such a sweet time in His presence.
I praise the Lord so much for this because it’s only by His grace that I’m saved and it’s only by His grace that I continue to walk this road. When I hear of people that were serving the Lord but have fallen into sin or have turned their backs on the Lord, I get goose bumps because somewhere I know it could have been me. But by the grace of the Lord, I’m still serving the Lord. And I have a determination and purpose in my heart to continue to serve the Lord with everything that’s in me. There is no greater joy than to be in relationship with the Almighty God.
From that time up to now, it’s been a difficult journey but a beautiful one. There have been storms along the way and waves rising up against me but through it all, I had an assurance that “It is well with my soul.” I have joy and peace through it all which for me is more than enough. Along the way the Lord has turned for good many things that the enemy may have tried to destroy me with. My eyes have been opened to His wonders anew and my heart has been exposed and enlightened.
We often joke about how humiliating it would be if everyone could see into our hearts and minds. And yet when the Lord exposes our hearts to other people, a humiliation comes but then humility follows because we realise how much we need the Lord. I need the Lord; daily, hourly. When I forget my need for Him, then I become prideful, impatient with others and lacking in grace. Allowing the Lord to expose our hearts can often be painful but the freedom and growth it brings in the Spirit is amazing. There’s a line from the Casting Crowns song “Stain Glass Masquerade” that I really like: “Would it set me free, if I dared to let you see the truth behind the person that you imagine me to be?” There’s a freedom that comes when we expose our hearts for what’s really in them and allow the Lord to deal with us.
One thing that I’ve always known to be true but ignored in my walk with the Lord, is the fact that I cannot continue to serve the Lord in sincerity when I have something against a brother or sister. That is why Jesus said, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and then remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24
It doesn’t get much clearer than that. But for me I know many times I would have something with a brother or sister and not sort it out but then walk into church and raise my hands high and worship the Lord. And I didn’t realise that in that time, my worship to the Lord was as filthy rags to Him because in my heart I was harbouring unforgiveness towards someone else.
We often forget that in this life, our love for the Lord can be measured by the extent to which we love and take care of others. You cannot disassociate people from the work of the gospel in our lives. Our relationships with one another are often the things that God uses to sharpen us the most.
The Lord continues to work in my heart and increase my desire to give my life more and more. The extent to which I give my life has been broadened for me over the past year. I remember not being so willing to give people lifts here and there until I saw my responsibility in the Spirit to take care of my brothers and sisters. And often taking care of people doesn’t just involve giving my time for them (because that’s easy enough). But it also involves giving my money in order to serve someone else and that’s when it gets a little deeper - especially when I know that there’s no way they could ever repay me. So that’s just one way but overall the Lord has revealed to my heart my responsibility in taking care of the house of the Lord and of my brothers and sisters. I have learnt to give with a joyful heart and not out of compulsion. I have found the joy in tithing again and giving weekly and even daily. Giving is a lifestyle not just a portion of time during the service where we empty our wallets.
And I’ve been enjoying learning to give to others with the Lord’s heart. Sometimes it’s harder than others but the Lord continues to mould my heart through it all. It truly is more blessed to give than to receive. My life is given so that they may be life in others. Christ died to give me life therefore as I strive to become more and more like Him, I die to myself so that I may bring life to others.
I’ve also learnt to take children’s church more seriously. It’s a huge responsibility to be the channel that God uses to reach and teach His precious children. I cannot take bringing a lesson to them lightly. Before each of my lessons, the Lord has to break me. I have to deal with any attitudes in my heart that are not pleasing to Him. I have to make sure I’m coming before the children with a pure heart before God and before those I’m working with. It’s tough and sometimes it really breaks me but when I’m at my weakest I know that’s when God can use me for His glory.
It’s good to be prepared and have all my ducks in a row but I’ve realised that my most important preparation is prayer - Praying alone as well as with the rest of the team. I want to be a vessel that God can use and I become that by seeking His heart. My desire is to bring the heart of Jesus to the children and I pray He continues to mould me into a vessel of honour for His glory.
There’s so much more to say but for now I’ll leave it there... more to come SOON!
