1 July
I had a meeting with Debbie today, the director of YfC Zimbabwe. I wasn’t too sure what to expect. But I told her I still need to pray about it some. I’m so reluctant to send out support letters, I just feel as though I should send something out personally instead of her sending them out. I asked the Lord for wisdom and discernment concerning this YfC opportunity. I also asked the Lord for clarity concerning the car situation. I got many responses from the newspaper ad but I just don’t know what to do??? I also read this quote by Warren Wiserbe, “One person can make a big difference in this world if that person knows God and really trusts in Him.” And the Lord gave me this verse in my devotions, “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
2 July
I feel like I’m wasting my life. I’m not doing anything and I have no idea what I should be doing. How frustrating. I just want to give of my best everyday and not waste a single moment. I stormed the gates of Heaven for a friend who was struggling. Later that day she told me she had a break through! Praise the Lord!
3 July
“Whatever happens, the worst will only be a weary traveller receiving a joyful and heavenly welcome home.” Rutherford. I read this quote yesterday but it took root in my heart today. PRESS ON Buhe. I’m fighting the temptation to give up. I want to give up BUT I won’t. Like Daniel, I have purposed in my heart to remain in Him. I want to be back where my flesh was comfortable. This is just too hard. God, I didn’t think it would be this hard. All this despondency, lack of activity, loneliness etc... I just don’t understand why You would bring me here just for me to suffer??? Lord, help me to understand, help me to see beyond my circumstances. May I just be completely satisfied in You. “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.” Piper.
God please give me the strength to go on because I don’t know where else to find it but in You. PRESS ON Buhe!
The Lord put it on my heart last night at youth group to start giving away a $2 Bible each week. No wonder the enemy is attacking me today.
4 July
We sang a song in church that had this line in it, “I need You Jesus; so much more than ever before.” And oh how true that is right now. It was so true it brought me to tears. “Lord I need more of You, living water, breath of life come and fill me up.” The Lord lifted my spirits today at church but I got home and still felt extremely heavy.
I listened to a teaching by Bob Coy called “Trials, Test, Truth” and it was amazingly exactly what I needed to hear. You can read more about it on my other blog.
“We never know where God has hidden His streams. We see a large stone and have no idea that it covers the source of a spring. We see a rocky area and never imagined that it’s hiding a fountain. God leads me into hard and difficult places and it is there that I realise I am where eternal streams abide.”
“God’s hand is always on the thermostat and His eye on the clock.” Wiersbe.
And I bought my first $2 New Testament. The Lord put it on my heart to buy a $2 NT every week and spend the week praying for the person I would give it to and then as the Lord prompts me, I will give it to the person He has been preparing. I’m excited to see how God uses it for His glory!
5 July
I’m becoming more and grateful for each new day. I think it’s because people die so much here that you’re confronted with death daily so I find myself appreciating life more.
I got a really good offer for the car. And I told the guy we could meet tomorrow to finalise the sale and all. AAAAHHHH!
6 July
I had a really restless night and I’m just not at peace with selling the car. Spoke to the buyer and called off the sale. Am I making the right decision??? There’s a lot to be said for waiting. I just feel the Lord saying, “Wait, Buhe, wait.”
7 July
This morning I reached rock bottom. I was finished. I wept. My heart was wrenched. What a fiery trial! I could feel the heat and it was turned up. God I know You are testing my faith but this is hard. Mom just happened to call that morning and I told her I had completely lost the will to live. I just wanted OUT. I was missing my family, my friends, my comforts etc etc. BUT GOD was the lifter of my head. He reminded me that it wasn’t that bad. I had made a mountain out of a molehill. If being here was the worst thing that could happen to me right now... then I have a lot to be thankful for! So I purposed in my heart today to “PRESS ON!” I’m in this for the long haul. For better or worse I’m with You Jesus... till death brings me closer to You, I stand here today and say, “I DO.”
8 July
Isn’t it amazing how a fresh perspective can change so much! Thank You Lord for changing my heart yesterday and sending your Spirit to truly minister to my spirit.
“There is no burden so heavy that when lifted cheerfully with love in our hearts will not become a blessing to us. God intends for our tasks to be our helpers; to refuse to bend our shoulders to carry a load is to miss a new opportunity for growth.” J R Miller
My friend’s baby was born yesterday and that was significant to me because God birthed something new in my heart yesterday. Today I’m living in the newness of life with Jesus.
9 July
I found that, in my heart, I put my hope in people and what they can do for me. It’s a very dangerous thing because I found myself getting really disappointed with people because I expect them to be a certain way, do a certain thing or fulfil a certain need. And putting expectations on people like that is very unhealthy and only leads to disappointment. So God today I put my hope in You and you alone. I also asked the Lord again for a friend and this time I felt Him saying to me, “As hard as it may be, Buhe, you will have to befriend someone first and there you will find friendship.” It’s so much easier to have a friend than to be a friend. God thank You for all the wonderful godly friendships You have given me and I pray that You would show me each day how to be the best friend I can be to each one of my friends. And please guide me to the ones You would have me befriend here.
10 July
Today is the anniversary of when I first went to England 5 years ago. Wow, time sure does fly! I remember those first days when everything was still new and exciting and I was so ready for a new adventure. And when I look back it was filled with so much adventure with Jesus! I can’t but be so grateful for the Lord’s faithfulness in my life. He has done exceedingly, abundantly beyond what I could ever have asked Him for or even imagined for myself.
I had a great chat with my pastor last night. I shared my vision and heart for being here with him and he shared the harsh reality of what being here is like. He also told me some about the education system here. The children have no hope because they have no education. They need an education but a solidly Biblical education. My pastor said this to me that night, “You alone cannot make an impact.” Which I thought was funny because 10 days before I had read this quote by Wiersbe, “One person can make a big difference in this world if that person knows God and really trusts in Him.” So I refused to let that get me down. With my eyes fixed on Jesus, I trust that He will accomplish what He wills through me; big or small it doesn’t matter.
I spoke to an old acquaintance today and she’s going through a tough time in her marriage. Thank you for showing me so soon who I need to befriend. God please strengthen her and bring healing and restoration to her and her husband.
11 July
Today was the grand opening of the Sandra Jones Children’s Village of YfC and I really wanted to go. Someone had promised to pick me up but they didn’t turn up. I couldn’t go in my little car because the road is terrible going down there so one needs to go in a truck.
But I did go to the Fan Park at a friend’s house to watch the World Cup Final. It was a great time! Thank You LORD for Your protection when I was driving home late.
12 July
I listened to a podcast today that made me realise how grumpy, prideful, critical and unrepentant I had become in York. It’s no wonder I felt that some people were glad to see me leave! The Lord put it on my heart to write a letter of repentance. It made me realise how hard my heart had become towards repentance. An unrepentant heart is a hard, prideful heart.
Thank You God for showing the state of my heart. Thank You for not allowing me to deceive myself any longer. “But be doers of the Word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” James 1:22
I gave Lovemore a Bible today. Lovemore is a petrol attendant. He says he goes to church but there’s no real relationship so please pray that God would pierce his heart with His Word for eternity.
13 July
I went to visit our church’s ACE school and the Lord really left an impression on my heart. I want to be a part of that vision to see a generation of young people growing up with a good Biblical education and world view. [If you don’t know about ACE (Accelerated Christian Education] then I strongly encourage you to look it up... it’s AMAZING!] My pastor is also the principal of the school and he has such a passion for the children, their education and their spiritual development. Seeing his passion inspired me to be more passionate about the things that the Lord puts on my heart and the things He calls me to but ultimately to just be more passionate about HIM!
14 July
Reading Proverbs 14 today really spoke to me about fearing God. [A Proverb a day keeps the devil away]. God is to be feared because He is God. If I don’t fear God then I’m treating Him as I would treat a friend I love and care for but with God it must go deeper and higher than that... He must be feared. Sometimes I make God like my best friend and my buddie. And I think it’s good to have an honest relationship with the Lord but never forgetting that HE IS GOD and He should be feared appropriately. “In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge.” When I fear God, I will be strongly confident in Him because I know that He is God and can and He will accomplish all that concerns me.
15 July
A change in perspective changes everything. God, how could I be so selfish? People around me are suffering and hurting and here I am saying, “Woe is me in poor old Zimbabwe.” God, thank You for breaking me down today and softening my heart to where You have me right now.
Fear gripped me concerning my family and their safety. Abba, please protect each one and may they continue to grow deeper and deeper in You.
16 July
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known unto God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
Thank You God for Your peace. My heart and mind were anxious yesterday but after spending sometime praying and communing with You, Your peace filled my heart in such an inexplicable way. I read this quote today and it caused me to look into my heart and see whether I’m usually sleeping and resting or whether I’m awake and working. “Leaders are often awake when others are asleep and working when others are resting.” – Wiersbe.
Lord, may I be awake and working more than I am sleeping and resting.
17 July
I realised today that I’ve outgrown spectatorship in the church. Thank You God for giving me a heart to serve and to be involved in people’s lives. Wiersbe said, “Ministry means that God uses us to create a spiritual atmosphere that encourages others to grow and become fruitful in the Lord.” Even though I don’t have a specific ministry within the church yet, thank You God that I can minister to people and encourage them to grow and be fruitful in the Lord. I pray for ministry opportunities and I pray that You would continue to deal with my own heart first.
Today I met a young girl in the church and I think this might be the beginning of a big sister/ little sister friendship. I also spent sometime talking to a friend who’s having a rough time in her marriage. Lord, please undertake for her and her husband. Renew, heal and restore that which the enemy has tried to destroy
18 July
Until I die to myself I cannot have compassion. Compassion enters my heart when selfishness exits. Jesus was compassionate because there was not a bone of selfishness in Him. Lord, teach me again to die to myself in every aspect of my life; not just the ones that suit me.
I started going through Amos today and the Lord spoke something to my heart. Amos was a Tekoaite and a sheep breeder. He was a “foreigner” and he was not a “professional” prophet so people had no reason to listen to him. But God used him and spoke through him because he was available and willing. God said speak and he spoke despite his lack of qualifications. God I don’t qualify to be used by You in the natural but I pray that somewhere, somehow You would use me for Your glory.
I gave Solomon (a Zionist) a Bible today. Please pray that the truth of God’s Word would penetrate his heart.
19 July
Sometimes the Lord answers prayers so quickly! Thank You God for the opportunity to be involved in Kids’ ministry at church. We’re having a meeting on Thursday and it’s a new start for the whole team so I pray for vision, ideas, unity and passion.
Meeting with Debbie today....
And today I got a financial gift from some dear, dear friends in York and it was so timely because I literally had $4 to my name! God is so faithful!
20 July
First day at YfC! [I decided to start as a volunteer before fully committing to the organisation]. And I read this in Proverbs in the morning, “A man’s steps are of the LORD; how then can a man understand his own way? (20:24). I cannot fully understand how I’ve come to be where I am because the LORD has been directing my steps. It seems ridiculous to me but God knows why...
I met a 15 year old girl who was raped when she was 14. She fell pregnant as a result of the rape and decided to keep her baby (praise God). Today she has her court case to hopefully put the perpetrator behind bars for a long time. Looking at her she seems so calm and collected – I would be freaking out! God, for every insecurity may she know your security. For every heartbreak, may she know Your healing touch.
Car’s down again. I’m praying for a miracle!
I met a guy that went to school here but then moved to the States 5 years ago. He’d brought a missions team with him for 2 weeks and then he was going back to be his wife and his ministry to the youth in his church. Oh how wonderful and perfect that sounded and explaining to him what I’d done since high school and now being back here seemed so menial in comparison. I felt discouraged. Comparison always brings discouragement because there’ll always be someone who seems to have it better than I do.
The Lord gently rebuked me, “Do not consider it a small thing that I have called you here, Buhe.” It’s about what You’re doing in my heart, what You have done and what You are going to do. God, my times are in Your Hands.
21 July
Thank You for SJCV and all the girls there. Seeing them and hearing their terrible stories breaks my heart. But then my heart is so encouraged when I see how You picked them up, dusted them off and set their feet on the Rock. They just keep moving on. I was reminded again to PRESS ON!
22 July
Home cell was so good tonight. Thank You Lord for continuing to break my heart for what breaks Yours. May my heart remain soft and pliable in Your hands.
23 July
Thank You for the time I had with 3 of kids yesterday at SJCV. They didn’t fully open up but I guess that’ll come with time. I look forward to when they feel they can trust me. Trust is earned. God please give me a genuine love for each child.
I had some sweet fellowship with a young girl in the youth group this afternoon. We went for coffee at this cute little coffee shop by the race course. Thank You for sweet times like that Jesus.
24 July
Lord, I see people who’s hearts are burning with passion and zeal for lost souls... I WANT THAT! Lord please revive that passion in me again tenfold! What the enemy & my flesh has squashed, may You give life to again.
Before I go around preaching the power of the Gospel to others, may I know the power of the Gospel in my own life every day.
I’m a bit anxious about school’s ministry tomorrow. God please thoroughly equip me for it. It’s not about me or what I can bring but it’s all about Jesus and what He wants to do... I’m merely a vessel. Oh what comfort there is in that!
25 July
God I feel like I’m losing it! One minute I feel like I shouldn’t commit and then the next minute I feel like I should commit and serve here as long as You desire. I’ve been committing this to You since day 1... Lord I know you didn’t bring me this far just to leave me now. Help me to stop relying on my feelings and emotions and to clearly discern what You are saying.
Realised I have a wound in my heart and I haven’t dealt with it until now. I’m also struggling with envy. A couple of years ago, I learnt the difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is when you long for something/someone that is rightfully yours and you want it to be restored to you. But envy is when you long for something/someone that is rightfully someone else’s. So I had some envy in my heart concerning God’s call on a friend’s life. Envy knows no boundaries or limitations so I know I need to guard my heart against it. I’m really vulnerable today.
27 July
Continuing in Amos I am comforted to know that God will punish unrighteous behaviour. Everyday at work, I’m confronted with the reality of all the unrighteous things that go on in the world today. It makes me so sick to think of a father raping his daughter with her mother’s consent. My heart breaks when I think of how broken that girl is and how broken she could continue to be without a Jesus breakthrough. God You are the healer of the broken hearted. Please heal all these broken hearts. I did some counselling today and an 8 year old girl was crying because she didn’t understand why she couldn’t go back to live with her father. Her father raped her and told her it was normal but she shouldn’t tell anyone. She believed him and she still trusts him. I had to explain that it was wrong for him to do that. AHHHHHH! It sickens me to my gut.
God I continue to ask You to heal my heart wound and cleanse me from all this envy.
28 July
Victory! God thank You for healing my heart! I must admit I didn’t expect healing to come this quickly. Thank You, thank You, thank You! Repentance is the first step towards the healing of heart wounds. People will only wound our hearts if we let them. A well guarded heart is a healthy wellspring of life.
29 July
After spending the afternoon at an OI (opportunistic infection) Clinic yesterday my heart is broken again. Every 2 months, we take the children from SJCV who are HIV positive to this OI clinic to get their ARVs (Anti-retrovirals) which enable them to live a longer, healthier life with the virus. The queues at this clinic are ginormous and this clinic only serves one part of town. The magnitude of people in Zimbabwe with this virus is hard to believe. There are so many innocent babies who are born with the virus and so many young children living with it. Most of the children are being brought by their gogos (grannies) because mom and dad have died of AIDS or left the country. Yesterday I cried. I cried for all those little babies and children who don’t deserve this and I cried out to God to intervene.
30 July
Thank You God for the busyness of the past couple of days. I miss being busy! But thank You for the quiet times because I see You clearer and hear You more. To commit or not to commit, that is the question right now.
31 July
Thank You Lord for the fitness fun day today! Thank You for the opportunity to serve at it and for all the fun. I took my cousins little girls with me and they had a great time too. Thank You Abba for the friendships You are starting to establish with me and some of the girls and women in the church. “Bad company corrupts good morals.” Help me to surround myself with girls/women who are growing in You and are excited about it! But also show me those who aren’t and how I can effectively encourage them to.
