That Very Same Day!

The same day that the Lord saved me from the accident I found myself in hospital with one of our babies, Hannah. I know I probably shouldn’t have favourites but she definitely has stolen my heart. Hannah’s mom is a 15 year old girl who was orphaned. She got pregnant by her boyfriend who then ran away and left her alone. So we took her in while she was pregnant and supported her during her pregnancy. After she gave birth, she went back to school at Sandra Jones School and Hannah stayed with us and the other babies. Hannah’s 6 months old now and just the most precious little girl ever!

Well, that particular evening Hannah choked on her porridge and stopped breathing. I was the only one in the office (I had stayed behind for some unknown reason... but obviously the Lord knew why I stayed until 5 instead of leaving at 4) with the house mothers at the time, so I immediately jumped in the car & drove her to the Emergency Room. The mothers were hysterical and all I could do was pray in tongues the whole way to the hospital. By the time we got there everyone had calmed down but Hannah still wasn't breathing. We rushed in and handed her to the nurses on duty. They were not very hopeful when we arrived because it had probably been over 4 minutes since she’d stopped breathing. 

After minutes of pacing the hospital corridor praying in the Spirit... I finally heard Hannah cry! Tears of joy came streaming down our faces and I could see the relief in the mothers' faces. They managed, miraculously, to resuscitate her and suction all the porridge out of her lungs. But because the porridge did get into her lungs, this has somewhat weakened her lungs. I spent the night in ICU with her, where she had all manner of tubes stuck to her and she was very uncomfortable. She cried all through the night and eventually fell asleep at 8am as I was leaving to go home and sleep! She’s much better now although she’s still got a wee cough.

That night as I held Hannah in my arms and tried to lull her to sleep as she cried & cried, the Lord showed me something. For little Hannah it didn’t make sense why she had to have all those tubes and injections. It was painful and uncomfortable – she just wanted it all off her. But what she didn’t realise was that it was all for her good. In the long run it would make her better. And as I held her and cradled her in my arms I saw the Lord. Sometimes we go through difficult, tough situations and it hurts and we just want it to be over. So we kick and we scream and we fight it but the Lord allows it because He knows it’s for our good. He knows the growth it will bring in us, He knows how it will cause us to depend more on Him, He knows we need it. So He takes us through the fire but the whole time He cradles us in His arms, He sings to us and He just loves on us. I was blown away by it because it brought verse that says “He will take you through the fire” alive to me. What a different perspective it brings on the tough things we go through. I’ve known and understood this in my head often but this time the Lord really brought it home for me. So I guess my encouragement is to keep the Lord’s perspective in whatever we go through and to remember that He is our loving Heavenly Father who never causes His child a needless tear.

With a Grateful Heart... Thank You Lord!

This morning I found myself so late for work & I was so annoyed with everyone for taking too long in the shower! And I was so embarassed because I've never left home that late for work. But as I turned out of the gate & drove to the top of the road I realised there had just been an accident right there about 200m from my house. And it was terrible. Two cars had collided and overturned. There were bodies all over. 
I cried endlessly because it became clear to me why I had been 'delayed' from leaving the house. The Lord preserved my life and I don't know why but I am so thankful. Had I left earlier who knows, I could have been in that wreckage. I cried all the way to work. Got to work and they were just finishing devotions - i.e. I was really late! 


But the Lord really used it in my life to show me His grace. It is unmerited. And also I think every time I drive past that spot now, it will be a very good reminder to me of how my life must count for something everyday because I never know when my last day will be.
  

One Year On...

It’s been so long since I last wrote an entry. Life is really busy for me right now but it’s been a year now that I’ve been in Zimbabwe and I saw it fit to blog my sincere gratitude to the Lord for all He has done in and through me over the past 12 months.

When I first joined the church here my heart was somewhat hardened to my own sin. I thought I was in a great place with the Lord. I mean, He was leading me & guiding me and we were having great times together. I spent much time studying the Word daily, praying, journaling, enjoying His presence etc. All in all I thought I had a pretty good relationship with the Lord. But what I didn’t realise was that I had completely laced over all my sin and pretended it wasn’t there. I would build up attitudes towards people or I would think terrible things about other people or I would lie and I would be convicted about it being wrong but somewhere I didn’t realise that the more these things built up in my heart, the further I pushed myself away from the Lord.

I got born again AGAIN on October 22 2010. I saw the state of my heart and the sin I had so easily become entangled in and the Lord brought me to my knees in repentance. I was broken over my sin and I saw the depth of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross for my sin. Because of what He did on the cross to take all my sin and shame, conviction came to my heart. Christ died for me! He died that I might be free from all these things. He died so that I could have victory over bad attitudes, jealousy, contention, deceit etc. Refusing to be free from these things when I am in Christ, is like spitting in His face as He hangs on the cross dying for me. And as I was on my knees in my room that night, I felt a freedom to serve the Lord that I had never felt before. I felt free to be myself because for once in my life I felt like me was free! I wept and cried out to the Lord for my life. I repented for everything He dropped into my heart. It was such a sweet time in His presence.

I praise the Lord so much for this because it’s only by His grace that I’m saved and it’s only by His grace that I continue to walk this road. When I hear of people that were serving the Lord but have fallen into sin or have turned their backs on the Lord, I get goose bumps because somewhere I know it could have been me. But by the grace of the Lord, I’m still serving the Lord. And I have a determination and purpose in my heart to continue to serve the Lord with everything that’s in me. There is no greater joy than to be in relationship with the Almighty God.

From that time up to now, it’s been a difficult journey but a beautiful one. There have been storms along the way and waves rising up against me but through it all, I had an assurance that “It is well with my soul.” I have joy and peace through it all which for me is more than enough. Along the way the Lord has turned for good many things that the enemy may have tried to destroy me with. My eyes have been opened to His wonders anew and my heart has been exposed and enlightened.

We often joke about how humiliating it would be if everyone could see into our hearts and minds. And yet when the Lord exposes our hearts to other people, a humiliation comes but then humility follows because we realise how much we need the Lord. I need the Lord; daily, hourly. When I forget my need for Him, then I become prideful, impatient with others and lacking in grace. Allowing the Lord to expose our hearts can often be painful but the freedom and growth it brings in the Spirit is amazing. There’s a line from the Casting Crowns song “Stain Glass Masquerade” that I really like: “Would it set me free, if I dared to let you see the truth behind the person that you imagine me to be?” There’s a freedom that comes when we expose our hearts for what’s really in them and allow the Lord to deal with us.

One thing that I’ve always known to be true but ignored in my walk with the Lord, is the fact that I cannot continue to serve the Lord in sincerity when I have something against a brother or sister. That is why Jesus said, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and then remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24

It doesn’t get much clearer than that. But for me I know many times I would have something with a brother or sister and not sort it out but then walk into church and raise my hands high and worship the Lord. And I didn’t realise that in that time, my worship to the Lord was as filthy rags to Him because in my heart I was harbouring unforgiveness towards someone else.

We often forget that in this life, our love for the Lord can be measured by the extent to which we love and take care of others. You cannot disassociate people from the work of the gospel in our lives. Our relationships with one another are often the things that God uses to sharpen us the most.

The Lord continues to work in my heart and increase my desire to give my life more and more. The extent to which I give my life has been broadened for me over the past year. I remember not being so willing to give people lifts here and there until I saw my responsibility in the Spirit to take care of my brothers and sisters. And often taking care of people doesn’t just involve giving my time for them (because that’s easy enough). But it also involves giving my money in order to serve someone else and that’s when it gets a little deeper - especially when I know that there’s no way they could ever repay me. So that’s just one way but overall the Lord has revealed to my heart my responsibility in taking care of the house of the Lord and of my brothers and sisters. I have learnt to give with a joyful heart and not out of compulsion. I have  found the joy in tithing again and giving weekly and even daily. Giving is a lifestyle not just a portion of time during the service where we empty our wallets.

And I’ve been enjoying learning to give to others with the Lord’s heart. Sometimes it’s harder than others but the Lord continues to mould my heart through it all. It truly is more blessed to give than to receive. My life is given so that they may be life in others. Christ died to give me life therefore as I strive to become more and more like Him, I die to myself so that I may bring life to others.

I’ve also learnt to take children’s church more seriously. It’s a huge responsibility to be the channel that God uses to reach and teach His precious children. I cannot take bringing a lesson to them lightly. Before each of my lessons, the Lord has to break me. I have to deal with any attitudes in my heart that are not pleasing to Him. I have to make sure I’m coming before the children with a pure heart before God and before those I’m working with. It’s tough and sometimes it really breaks me but when I’m at my weakest I know that’s when God can use me for His glory.

It’s good to be prepared and have all my ducks in a row but I’ve realised that my most important preparation is prayer - Praying alone as well as with the rest of the team. I want to be a vessel that God can use and I become that by seeking His heart. My desire is to bring the heart of Jesus to the children and I pray He continues to mould me into a vessel of honour for His glory.

There’s so much more to say but for now I’ll leave it there... more to come SOON!